My Doggy11:36 AM
My 'Schitzoid' Dog
by Alexa Sleadd
Macy is my dog. There are all sorts of peculiarities about her, but they make us love her all the more. Being mostly jet black, she’s got a white belly, tan muzzle and tan legs. Macy’s an average size dog.
Surprisingly, Macy is absolutely terrified of The Trumpet. All the other instruments in our family get played during music practice at the same time as the trumpet, so now she associates any instrument with it and is terrified of them all too. During music practice, Macy gulps, shivers and quakes uncontrollably, sports a forlorn expression and curls up. As soon as you discontinue playing, she jumps up, wags and whips her tail in pathetic celebration, grins and lets her tongue hang out. Very bizarre, if you ask me.
What Macy does to boon her fear and terror, is she lays down in the middle of the street, and has her fit spells right there on the pavement. It must help somehow, because she does it so often. You might get the impression that she’s a coward, but I’m sure she believes herself to be quite the cool, courageous canine. I’ll tell you why. About twice a week, a skinny moustached guy wearing funny little brown shorts parks his diesel UPS.truck in our drive way to deliver packages. In Macy’s mind, she sees an intruder with juicy ankles and suspicious-looking mustachios, so what does she do? Oh, the usual. Barks her head off, bears her teeth, chases the fellow down the driveway into his truck, biting the front tires (who knows why) and then runs after him 100 yards up the street. Waltzing back proudly, she pokes her nose in the air and eyes us intently, expecting a heartfelt show of appreciation. Very bizarre, if you ask me. If you happen to be sitting on the floor, or even the dirt outside, Macy will sit *plop* in your lap. Unfortunately, she's too large to be a lap dog , but she’s one none the less. Macy can respond to several words such as “Come”, “sit”, “stay”, “lay down”, “Macy”, “You wanna go bye-bye?” and several others. Bye-bye means a car ride and she goes nuts if you so much as whisper it. She’ll claw at the door to get out, then race to the car door and claw to in. She also responds to tone of voice, so you can say ”Good Girl!” and make her hang her head and tuck her tail between her legs if you say it in a stern tone. Either that or “Macy, you’re such a dumb dog.” said in a loving tone, and she’ll love you all the more. Although she may be a Schitzoid, and sometimes silly, we all love her as part of the family.
Actually, Macy is extremely clever. In her mind she knows she’s not allowed out on the street, but during music practice, she yearns for her daily asphalt therapy, so she uses the sneakiest ways to escape over the fence. Around the house, through the bush, zigzagging all over the place to lose us, she’d often times cling to the walls of the house and crawl under the windows so we couldn't see her. Because the driveway is wide open exposed space, Macy has to make a desperate dash to get out the front gate. Some times she’d slam herself against it, which would literally bend the metal, and she’d slip through and go lay in the street. Nathan was coming up with all sort of locks and traps for the gate, but they all proved useless against our schitzoid dog. He even tied blocks of wood with several 3” screws jutting out to the gate, but we’d come out and find bits of bloody fur stuck to them. We gave that up perty quick. Pouring cement under the fence to keep her from digging underneath it, we found, did no good. Now we’ve gotten smart and just chain her up during music. One time she snapped the chain too. Often times she hurts herself trying to escape. It’s baffling, how can she be so brilliantly clever, but so stupid. Very bizarre if you ask me. I think she’s swell, and I hope you do too by now.