There's a part were Master Shifu (an endangered lemur-ish thingy creature) is frantic over "destiny" taking place outside of his control and the ancient Master Oogway tells him he must calmly let go of his "illusion of control" and reminds him fate is not ours to design. As mystical and kung phooey as it sounds, I think I've been having this simple lesson shoved down my throat recently.
I am so very much not in control of anything.
This weekend I was ambitiously trying to film a video I'd written for us Speech Club Alumni, over the three day Clarion Speech and Debate Tournament. And it seemed like, as the deadline drew closer, things couldn't get any worse. My headaches made me irrational, my camera battery died, my back-up battery was conveniently shot too, my family members were all watching speech rounds so I couldn't call them to help out. No one else was making the hour-long trip to Medford until a lot later that day, so it was weird to suddenly realize that I was completely helpless.
Later, I realized my $300 orthodontic retainer was no longer in place where I carefully left it, among my family's belongings at the tournament. It's not something anyone would steal either. This already happened a little while ago, so looks like I get to learn the same expensive lesson: no matter how hard I try, I can always do something stupid in the course of 5 seconds and ruin everything.
This morning I practically passed out in the arms of a nurse who was drawing my blood for a test. I wasn't squeamish or anything, but my body just went into shock and failed without me having any say in the matter. Good grief. I've been feeling very strange for the past week or two, off and on and we're hoping the blood test may shed some light on what is wrong with me. I was trying so hard to be in control of my consciousness, trying not to tell the nurse, trying to grasp onto every shred of remaining reality around me, but I failed, guess.
Needless to say, it's all very humbling. I have this illusion of control over my circumstances. In possibly one of the most hectic weeks of my life, I get hit with these mysterious recurring headaches and fatigue. On top of all that is my forgetfulness, lack of foresight, and inability to be realistic with my obligations, saying yes to everything and somehow let people down on a lot of things in the end.
I guess I've relied on myself for so long that God is letting me know how helpless I am without Him.
This past month, three different acquaintances of mine passed away. I can't help but think there's a point to which we can choose, plan, fight for our lives, but beyond that, we are completely at the mercy of the One who is in Control. Whether I live to see tomorrow, or die in my bed, its not my place to choose
So each new day, I guess I'm learning to let go and remember my place in the grand scheme of things. Like Master Shifu, I'm letting go of my Illusion of Control.
0 comments:
Post a Comment