It’s when you’re delaying. Trying to coast on the time you’ve got, trying to stretch it out for all it’s worth. We call it buying time.
I’m living like this.
I never tended toward the shove-everything-into-the-closet cleaning technique in my room (the stuff does just fine on the floor >:D) but I definitely do it with my cluttered world of hopes and dreams. I have this closet called “Someday” in which I shove my grand hopes for who I will be or what I will do.
With everything having been shaken up for me, I sort of threw routine out the window in search of the meaning of life, and I’m being pretty lousy about learning how to live again. Here I am up too late thinking hard again. I had ADD devotions this morning again. I feel kind of icky ‘cause I ate too much again. What ever happened to the whole Eating Right And Exercising religion I had going on? I had all sorts of plans for self-discipline and endurance, why did they get shelved? Or closeted in this case. Oh, I’ll get healthy tomorrow. Oh I’ll memorize a book of the bible tomorrow.
Tomorrow, my foot.
I push life behind the door Someday and that day will never come. All I have is Today. Actually, I take that back. Today is already almost over, all I have is right now. So why am I “buying” time?
As if time was even for sale.
Come to think of it I’m actually killing it.
Today I sat enjoying the sun on my back, the sun on my backyard, thinking of everything going on in my dizzying world of busyness and monotony, joy and misery, hope and despair, action and leisure, vision and apathy.
I wiggled my toes in the grass and then stopped as I realized a moment had passed that would never come again. Sure, the sun was still shining, the grass still prickled, and I could wiggle my toes again but Repetition isn’t the same thing as Rewinding. The John Mayer song Clarity popped in my head.
“By the time I recognize this moment, this moment will be gone. But I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on”
Josh said of that sunset, “Alexa, that will never come again.”
Time is a string of rarities, a chain of moments.
I have dreams that make my heart race. I want to have children. I want to make disciples. I want to pour myself out. I want the kingdom of God on earth as it is in heaven. I want to be strong, focused, vibrant, pressed-down-shaken-overflowing ALIVE. But honestly I’m this pasty bleary-eyed zombie right now typing at midnight, and I so do not embody LIFE. Oh that’s right. I’ll live life to the fullest tomorrow.
Have you ever sat down and thought about those songs that belt “Liiive like you’re dyiiiin’”, or “If it was your last daaay”? That’s really hard for me. My friend Mrs. Deems said, “I sure wouldn’t do any housework if it was my last day.”
How on earth do I live like I could go any minute without being a functionally useless person?
An’ how on earth can I live with heaven in my heart without losing a taste for this dim, faded world?
How do you love something you might have to give up any minute?
Well. I’ll figure it out. This moment is calling for some shut-eye, so I shall succumb. I can’t buy time but I can sure well kill it, and that’s not something I want to do.
“Teach us to count our days, teach us to make our days count.”