The Size of the Night12:43 AM
I examined the black of my ceiling, the back of my eyelids, alternately.
I listened to the clock strike each incoming second.
The clock has been here all evening, why did it take the dark to make me hear it?
Many things are hidden by the light that we only find when we cannot see. Take the universe. You know...that thing out there.
It occurred to me how linearly I imagine infinity; like a line or sequence piercing into oblivion. I'll lay on a dock, while the lake sings up an echo of the night sky and I'll fix my eyes on a patch of black. I'll try and see it to the end, try to wonder how far out it goes 'til it runs out of...space? But this night, this ticking-of-the-rediscovered-clock-night I tried to imagine infinity in a bowl. (It didn't go so well.)
If I held the scope of reality in a bowl, how small would earth be?
I couldn't conceive of that kind of small.
How could something possibly be that small and still even exist?!!
And I do believe I exist. I really do.
(My thoughts were jumbled and many.)
So infinity isn't just a hypothetical, a theoretical. or an unattainable!! I exist in a constant state of being infinitely small! I am made up of infinity, I can't even exist apart from it!
Question is, if there's no end to size, is there any limit on what might exist? What exists out there, in here, beyond our perception? (Not a settling thought to think in the dark.) I pulled my covers tight.
It's weird to think of a random piece of space way out there somewhere, say in another galaxy, that's just my size and is filling just as much reality as I am. Weird!
And then my measly little mind squealed WHY?!! Why all this?! Why, if there's a Creator, did He make us so dinky, and make the sterile, lonely universe so massive? Why can't we be a bigger deal, get more space? I'm fine with there being a few stars and such, but didn't He go a little overboard?
And then it. all. clicked.
Such sweet and profound clarity. Savor the moment, will ya?
God made us neither small nor large. What is size anyway but trying to stake out infinity? We are what we are and the universe is what it is, not because we are less, but because God wanted to disturb us. He invites us into the terrifying thrill of knowing Him, the unfathomable.
And what if He had made us "bigger" and the universe smaller? Say the sky was a painted ceiling, the sun an electric bulb; we would soon find our way to its apex and pound the ceiling like men in a sinking ship, yearning beyond. And perhaps He let us out for an exclusive tour behind the scaffolds of the painted ceiling; and say He even created more to see here and there to please our fancy. We would not be satisfied.
I do believe the universe is exorbitantly large because we are too, in a deeply inner way. Our little carbon bodies are pinned to us, like a note on a forgetful child, but really we are so much bigger, and hungrier than we care to let on. We hunger for an inexhaustible source, an unlimited supply, an inconceivable knowing, and because all of the universe is a mere taste of heaven, that is why God made it so darn large.
Thus the clock soldiered on, its little drama of space-time went on unheeded, at least by me, for I had tried for the Size of the Night, but the sighs of the night had taken me.